Keeping Score
Are you a point counter? Are you the kind of person that keeps the score on everybody and when they have met an acceptable level that you have established, only then give a little bit back? Do people have to earn your love and kindness like a monarch with his people, only dispensing Grace when he feels like it? Are you a scorekeeper?
I was the official point counter and scorekeeper of my life for a very long time. I remembered every slight that ever came my way. I was guilty of deducting points from people when they behaved in ways contrary to my preferences. In retrospect, I realize that I was slow to give extra points when earned but very quick to withdraw them at the first sign of trouble. And all deductions were permanent. I was stingy and petty. This is a human economy we all broker in at various times. It ultimately reduces our emotional relationships to business relationships, where we negotiate and trade rather than love and enjoy. It becomes a quid pro quo thing and the farthest thing from love you’ll ever find.
This is an incredibly slippery slope on which to be. This means that we ultimately give to get, which means it’s not giving at all; it’s getting disguised. It is a process replete with keeping resentments and hard feelings alive, accumulating at a high interest rate. We lose our connection with other people in the process. If we are keeping score right now, we need to make some immediate changes.
1. Without any hesitation, we need to throw our scorecards out right now. Pay no attention to what the tally was at the end because it doesn’t matter at all. We simply refuse to stay in the business of judging others and circumstances based on our own measuring stick.
2. We begin the process of giving to other people without any expectation of reward. We live a life of service. We must be like a Secret Santa spreading kindness wherever we can. If anyone finds out about it, it doesn’t count. We need to do this over and over and over again until it becomes second nature. Help those that could never pay you back.
3. We continue the process of praying for those that we have perceived as harming us, whether they actually did or not. We forgive the indiscretions, real and imagined, assigning no point value to them. No matter how poorly someone else treats us, it never gives us permission to harm them. Retaliation always backfires.
If you find that you are a scorekeeper, loosen up on this a little bit. Remember, the points were never redeemable for anything anyway.
Thank you
Jim
James A. Francetich is a freelance writer and author. The opinions expressed are solely of the author and do not represent any community based recovery programs, private or public entities or any governmental agencies.